It happens much earlier than expected; the day arrives when a child no longer cares what their parents have to say. It doesn’t matter how well they’ve loved them. It doesn’t matter how well they’ve cared for them. It doesn’t matter how wise their parents are. The day will arrive.

We all experienced this with our own parents. We appreciated their input, but let’s be honest — they’re old. They don’t understand the world today. They don’t experience the problems we experience. It was foolish, but we all did this to our parents. Some of you are still doing this to your parents. I know because your parents email me.

The day will come.

The question is “Are we prepared?”

When the day arrives there will be another voice that will rise to the top in that child’s life. As kids we think that we’re declaring independence. The truth is we’re simply depending on another input or influence. The voice may be a friend or group of friends. The voice may be a teacher. The voice may be a television show. The voice may be a celebrity. But make no mistake about it, there will be another voice that rises to the top, and to prepare for that day is to be intentional about the voices that are part of the child’s story.

My entire life my parents practiced the principle of the third voice. They were constantly working to help me connect with trustworthy influences that could speak into my life when I wouldn’t listen to them. They weren’t spies to report back to my parents or deliver messages for my parents. They were solid mentors. They were family friends. They were Sunday School teachers. They were pastors and small group leaders. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, looking back. I can’t tell you how many times I ignored my parents but listened to those voices even though they were saying the same thing.

It’s going to happen. When it happens we scramble to find a third voice, but it’s too late. Trust takes time to build. You have to build the relationship before the day arrives.

As we go into this fall, I want to challenge us to engage the third voice principle.

**Parents** – Take advantage of Grace Kids, where they can begin developing a third voice relationship. Don’t bring them into the service. I’m not that voice for them. Be consistent. Don’t switch services. Let your child actually develop a relationship with their teacher or small group leader. Don’t wait till the day comes.

Become a third voice in the life of another child. Get plugged into Grace Kids and be that voice for another parent’s child.

**Church** – Get involved in Grace Kids. You don’t have to be an expert to be a third voice. You just have to care about following Jesus and loving kids. It’s one of the most significant and meaningful ways you could possibly serve.

We are creating a safe place for kids to meet Christ. Be part of that reality.

[Click here ](http://hobokengrace.com/kids/)to schedule a tour of Grace Kids and see how you can begin becoming a third voice today!


The Third Voice

_This blog post was originally published in August 2016, but we’re pulling it out of the archive after [our conversation on Rest](http://hobokengrace.com/podcast/celebrating-summer-rest/) last Sunday._

A few months ago, as my mind spun in a whirl of “should do’s” and “could do’s” and “didn’t do’s,” a voice started whispering in my ear. No, literally. I was listening to an [audiobook ](https://www.amazon.com/Garden-City-Work-Being-Human/dp/0310337313/ref=sr%5F1%5F1?ie=UTF8&qid=1470842278&sr=8-1&keywords=garden+city)about the balance of work and rest — in the midst of doing one much more than the other — and through the headphones came the suggestion of Sabbath, of balancing out our frantic, demanding lifestyles by taking one day each week to reset and recharge.

For as long as I could remember, I had been living in what felt like perpetual fight-or-flight mode. I was overcommitted, overscheduled and overextended. My mind was this adrenaline-powered carousel, circling with commitments, obligations and the belief that, somehow, I could keep pace. All day, every day, it spun ‘round and ‘round, casting a trance of guilt and shame as I failed to keep up.

What if, that voice in the headphones said, you stopped for 24 hours each week? What if you set aside time to be fully present for your friends and family, instead of continuing to allow your anxiety to boil over into those relationships? What if you learned to delight in what God had already created, instead of striving to do more, be more and have more?

The voice had a good point. And thus began my summer-long experiment of observing the Sabbath, because really, what did I have to lose? And if God had bothered to embed the concept of rest into the foundation of humanity in Genesis, then etch it into stone in Exodus, there must be something to it, right?

Each weekend started with the best of intentions. But eventually I’d start making mental to-do lists of all the work I could be doing. The carousel would begin chugging up and down again, until it was zipping and flying along. Heart racing. Head spinning. Panic mode.

It seems that at the core of our subconscious — at the axle of the carousel — is the idea that our value and identity are based on what we accomplish, how much we produce and how much we possess. “The thinking … goes like this,” writes Alan Fadling in [_An Unhurried Life_](https://www.amazon.com/Unhurried-Life-Following-Jesus-Rhythms/dp/0830835733). “_If I do more, I am more. If I have more, I am more. If more people like and recognize me more, I’m more valuable._ This idea is subtle, and insidious in its undermining of the Sabbath. What happens to our sense of identity if we stop our activity to observe the Sabbath day? If I am what I do, who am I on a Sabbath day when I do nothing productive?”

[![sabbath](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/08/sabbath.jpg)](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/08/sabbath.jpg)

The more I clung to the idea of Sabbath — instead of the egoistical notion that the world couldn’t carry on without my contributions — the more I began to see that it was about so much more than rest. When God stopped working on Day 7, it wasn’t because He needed to — it was so that He could soak in everything He’d created.

When God dictates the [Ten Commandments](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+20&version=NIV) in Exodus, nearly a third(!) of the words He has etched into stone are about marking the Sabbath (as opposed to “do not murder,” “do not steal” or “do not worship false Gods”). Apparently, He was really into this idea. He goes on and on about it to the Israelites, who had just spent decades enslaved in Egypt. Forty years later, Moses [expands ](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%205:12-15)on the purpose of Sabbath in Deuteronomy: “Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm.”

Observing the Sabbath, God seems to say, is not just about rest, or even celebration. It’s freedom from the idea that we’re defined by our work, or how well we fulfill society’s demands and expectations. It’s a weekly reminder that our value is based not on what we produce, but who we are and who God intended us to be.

Sabbath is the practice of feeling filled rather than drained, of inhaling rather than exhaling. That might look different based on your season in life, or whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert. It can mean brunch surrounded by the people you love, or people watching at the pier; family time at the park, or spending time alone in prayer; going out for ice cream, or staying in to savor your haul from the garden. (John Mark Comer, the author of that aforementioned audiobook, “Garden City,” uses only this criteria: “Is it worship or is it rest?” Will it leave you feeling filled or drained?) It doesn’t even matter what day of the week it is. Sabbath is simply time and space to share with God and the people you love. It’s an opportunity to soak it all in — the things that bring you joy.

The thing is, you can’t bear fruit well without proper nourishment. You can pick up endless causes and commitments to serve God, love His people and sow some good into the earth. Your veins might pulse with purpose and good intentions. But I’m convinced that we’ll never do any of it well if the carousel is spinning non-stop. You will sputter out and short-circuit. Instead, we need the rhythm of choosing Eden over Egypt. We need to marvel at the garden once in a while, instead of toiling in skyscraper pyramids and living enslaved to our schedules, to-do lists and society’s expectations.

So, yes, Sabbath is about rest. It’s about shutting down the carousel and declaring that, sorry, this ride is out of service today, please come back tomorrow. But that’s only so we can recalibrate, mind, body and soul, after our schedules and everything else spin out of control. Sabbath is where we find our center again, where we rediscover the identity that God intended for us, instead of finding it in our work. It’s where we meet God in the middle, to remember we’re shaped not by what we do, but who we are and what He has given us. It’s a celebration — of all that you are, all that God is, and all that this world already has to offer.

_Brittney is a member of the Writing Team._


A Rhythm of Rest

[For the past few weeks](http://hobokengrace.com/series/celebrating-summer/), we’ve been talking about how you can make this your best summer yet — and learn to rest in Him instead of resting from Him. On Sunday and in dinner group, we’ve discussed various tools to help you do just that. They include apps, audio and even video. Here’s a full list, and where to find each one.

1). The Bible Experience ([Find on Audible](https://www.audible.com/search/ref=a%5Fhp%5Ftseft?advsearchKeywords=bible%20experience&filterby=field-keywords) or [iTunes](https://itunes.apple.com/us/audiobook/inspired-by-the-bible-experience-new-testament-unabridged/id427267000))

2). [Hoboken Grace Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/1228483827)

3). [RightNow Media](https://www.rightnowmedia.org/library) (For a free account, text “NOW” to ‭+1 (201) 646-5547 or visit <http://hobokengrace.com/rightnow>)

4). [First5](https://first5.org/)

5). [YouVersion](https://www.youversion.com/the-bible-app/)

6). [Daily Bible Reading Plan](http://hobokengrace.com/bible/)

7). [Hoboken Grace Rhythms](http://hobokengrace.com/bible/)

\[vc\_video link=”https://youtu.be/pcUrQeedPBs”\]


7 Tools to Help You Grow This Summer

I got a glimpse at life as a rock star on my mission trip to Mexico. 

As our vans and trucks arrived within the walls of our “home” for the week, the Casa Hogar Alegre orphanage in Tuxtla Gutiérrez, the kids ran out and surrounded our vehicles with the enthusiasm of super fans. All of the clamor wasn’t for me, though — it was for those on the team returning, some after years and years of building relationships with these children. I wandered around the reunion scene, taking in all the kids and adults racing and jumping into hugs, and the children screaming and yelling and anxiously scanning those coming out of the vans for familiar faces.

When I left a week later, I too would be leaving having formed special bonds with some extra-special kids. I’d also take with me a change in heart and faith that before that week I had heard was often “profound” as it related to mission trips, but also seemed somewhat cliché.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/06/IMG_0403-768x1024.jpg)

So what was I doing here? Why did I leave my husband and two boys for a week of sleeping on a cot in a room of mostly complete strangers? What was I expecting to happen as I spent time with these kids in a completely unfamiliar environment and language?

A few months before, I’d heard a message from Pastor Chris about how to define your calling or mission. He spoke of an author who defined it as our inmost passion colliding with what we feel is the world’s deep hunger. As I processed the message from my seat, I concluded that for me, my mission is connecting with people, tangibly — specifically, those disadvantaged in some way, and even more specifically, children.

I was immediately drawn to this mission trip with that message in mind, and it didn’t hurt that the Tuxtla trip was light on the manual labor front and heavy on kid interaction. So I made a plan for myself and my journey with God on this trip. I wanted to deepen my experience of loving others completely and freely. I also wanted to take this time to face some issues I have with forgiveness — that is, forgiving myself. While I know in my heart that I’m forgiven and that Christ loves me no matter what, it’s been a constant and years-long struggle. I felt like a phony. The worst and most unforgivable kind.

Besides the nail polishes I’d packed for a pop-up nail salon, I prepped by marking devotionals and Bible passages. My story was “rehearsed” and ready to share, as we were encouraged to engage with our teammates. When I shared mine with my team members, 99 percent of whom I’d met for the first time that week, I dove deeper than I expected, maybe because of the new environment and freedom I was feeling given the amount of unfilled time I can’t remember the last time I had. I exposed my true self, and was met throughout the rest of the week by some particularly compassionate and wise Christians. 

The cathartic release of doing so, combined with my reading and time to simply think, was invisibly working wonders for my core. This, combined with the incredible closeness I felt with God as I spent so much quality time with these beautiful kids, was ramping up to a reconciliation I would never have predicted.

As I hung out with the kids at Casa Hogar, listening to Coldplay on the speaker I brought, painting nails with super excited girls of all ages, playing tag with the most rambunctious boys, and making paper airplanes for toddlers, I had in the back of my mind a specific picture. It was of Jesus surrounded by kids, an illustration from a page in the Bible I had growing up. I finally knew how He must have felt in that picture, simply enjoying the unconditional love they offered me so freely, while sharing my own with them.

At the same time, I began to feel anger. As I got to know these kids, I allowed myself to resent and question who would be sick enough to abuse them, as I heard so many were before arriving at the home. I saw scars on the side of some of the boys’ freshly shaved heads, especially after Dana and Eric on my team served these kids by giving them haircuts. It was a sight particularly painful for me, after years of being unable to have another baby. And here were children who’d been abandoned, some of them literally thrown out like trash when they were tiny.

I grew close with one of the boys I’d started out playing tag with, Miguel. He was the same age and build as my oldest son, skinny with a slim face and mischievous eyes. We couldn’t communicate that well given I spoke no Spanish, but we became playground buddies. He gave me a note in the middle of the week, written in Spanish, thanking me for my visit and ending with wishing God’s blessings for me. When we walked with the kids the next day on their highly anticipated field trip to the local science museum, we were told to choose two kids to hold hands with on the roadside walk. Miguel and I found each other instantly, and I hugged him close just as I do my son after not seeing him for awhile. 

By week’s end, I had written a note for Miguel, thanking him for his friendship, reminding him that I love him, God loves him, and his family of the 90-plus brothers and sisters there love him. I also told him to be a good boy, again, just as I would my own son, and told him that if God allowed me I would visit him again.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/06/IMG_0337-1-768x1024.jpg)

That last night as the long goodbyes with the kids commenced, selfies and Snapchat pics intermingled with soft crying and hugging goodbye, I picked Miguel up off his feet and hugged him close. I cried harder than I thought I would, and when I felt his tears on my T-shirt I wept as silently as I could and struggled to set him down and let him go. I kept telling him, “It’s okay, it’s okay. Don’t cry.” I’m sure he understood. 

To say that in the moments after I gave in and put him down that it all came together in my head would be a gross understatement. My being furious with the evils in the world and with the loss these kids had of loving, doting parents, was met with the hard yet true realization that those who had put them there were forgiven. Further, God loves those parents, just as he does me, and I am unable to judge them as I myself am guilty of making poor choices — choices that tear at me today, that leave me shaking my head at myself, much less others I somehow feel have made some “worst of the worst” list along with me. 

God sees us as all the same, which can be mind-boggling, especially if we consider ourselves to be on the darker side of some imaginary sin scale. We are reminded of this truth in Romans 3:23\. He forgave all of us, loves and pursues all of us, regardless of our record of wrongs. I am not here on this mission trip, I told myself, or here on this earth, period, to judge or feel hatred. I cannot judge the circumstances or people that put those 90-plus kids there, nor can I judge anyone else for that matter. My true mission, in Him, is to offer love and support to His mission, in this case to support the loving family that runs the orphanage. Time spent being angry at others or at myself is time wasted. Energy spent being disgusted with others or myself is energy wasted. Blame or shame won’t get me anywhere, and hinders my ability to fully accept and apply His grace, as well as to accept my place or others’ in His bigger picture.

Sometimes I reference an airline attendant’s instructions at takeoff of “secure your mask before you help others” when I share with someone what it is I need to work through. It’s so true. Now that I’m able to accept His grace, I’m in a better position to share it with others. Hearing those instructions on the plane as we flew out of Tuxtla had a whole new meaning for me.

Now, God willing, I’ll be one of the returning team members next year. When Miguel sees me and I scoop him up I’ll be the one star struck, wanting to take pics with him and interview him about how much he’s grown in the past year. He’s the real rock star, as are all the beautiful faces from my week there. He is and they are the ones who taught my once silent and scared heart to sing in the light of His forgiveness and grace, just by letting me love them. Who knew? Not me, but He did.

_Kara serves on the Events Team at Hoboken Grace and loves serving those in her community just as much as serving the children she met at Casa Hogar. Want to learn more about Hoboken Grace’s mission trips? [Click here](http://hobokengrace.com/mission-trips/)._


The Incredible Lesson I Learned in Mexico

From the time I was a little girl, I loved taking care of babies and kids. My dream job was to be a neonatal doctor for premature babies or a clinical child psychologist, but being a missionary in Africa was never on that list. But as I grew in my faith and trust in following God, I realized He had much greater plans for my life than the ones I could have made for myself.

In December 2016, I was sitting in service one Sunday when Pastor Chris began talking about one of Hoboken Grace’s overseas partners, Enable the Children, which works with special-needs children. He went on to describe how special-needs children in Sierra Leone are treated, explaining in detail a ritual one little boy was put through to cleanse him of the “demonic spirits” his community believed caused his disability. But after relentless and unsuccessful attempts, the boy’s family realized he wasn’t a devil child but was completely worthy of their love. As a trained professional in the field, I began to feel sad and frustrated. How could people be so misinformed or treat another human, let alone their own son, so cruelly? In that moment, I heard God calling me to help. So that’s exactly what I did. 

Over the next year, I made it my mission to get connected with the director of Enable the Children. I explained to her my experience and passion for working with special-needs children and offered to help in any way possible. I went on to sponsor a little boy who is part of the program, signed up for the church’s mission trip, and even started to learn about the language and culture in Sierra Leone.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/06/me-and-mariama.jpg)

But I still wasn’t certain what God would make of this desired placed in my heart. Leading up to the church’s trip, He made it more and more evident He wanted me to help these children and families for an extended time. So, I agreed to stay behind for three months following the church’s five-day trip. As the date grew closer, I became more and more excited. I couldn’t help but share what I was about to do with the world around me! 

After what seemed like one of the longest travel days of my life, we finally arrived in Africa. I wasn’t tired, I was just so happy to finally be there. As the days with the mission team passed by, I couldn’t stop thinking about the work that was about to come. I remember the night before my first day with Enable the Children, I felt the joy and anticipation of Christmas Eve, despite having no idea what would happen over the next 89 days. 

The following days were filled with so many new experiences, trials and celebrations. I felt a sense of contentment in my work I had never experienced before in life, and I felt so grateful to be a part of it all. Through my time getting to know the people, culture and natural beauty I was surrounded by, I felt my life and my focus begin to shift. It amazed me to see people who have so little have such a sense of peace and joy. At first, I didn’t get it, but I soon realized this peace and joy was their faith in God and God alone. It was a beautiful thing to witness and I wanted to be more like that in my own life.

Those 89 days taught me more than I ever expected about life’s fragilities and how everything is a gift from God. They changed my perspective on life forever. And while I’ve always found a joy in serving those who are less fortunate, God closed some doors but opened others to show me where I was supposed to serve next. 

So, in a few short months I will pack my bags once again and make the trek back to Sierra Leone to serve as a full-time missionary, educating and serving some of the city’s poorest children and families. I know this next journey isn’t possible without complete trust and faith in God and God alone, but I am certain He will be right by my side, every step of the way.

_Please keep Lauren in your prayers as she prepares to leave for Sierra Leone this fall._


A Bigger Plan Than I Ever Expected

“God is always there — it is our busyness that makes us blind. When we stay quiet, we will be able to find Him.”

For Xiaochan, it was this quote from [Hoboken Grace’s Axiom retreat](https://hobokengrace.churchcenter.com/registrations/events/147651) that exemplified the entire experience. The weekend-long retreat, which took place earlier this month, is an opportunity to get away from that busyness and draw closer in your relationship with God. Those who attended say the retreat brought them rest, clarity, and a greater sense of God’s love and how He sees them.

“It helped me understand who I really am through His eyes, instead of my point of view,” said Xiaochan. “When I evaluate myself, I base my worth on my working performance and my skills. But God sees my character.”

The retreat melds storytelling, movie illustrations, Biblical teaching and personal prayer time, all in an attempt to further your understanding of His dreams and purposes for your life. Participants spend several hours on their own in nature, talking with God, meditating on His Word and simply listening. It’s time and space to be more present in your relationship with Him, and to hear what He might place on your heart.

“I love nature and I love quiet time by myself, but Axiom took it to a new level,” said Yuli. It was an experience, she says, that reminds her of a verse in 1 Kings: “After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.”

“To be able to sit and meditate in God’s gentle whisper put a few things in perspective for me that I hadn’t been able to grasp until that moment,” she said.

And while some of the retreat was spent in silence, the more time everyone spent opening up to God, the easier it was for everyone to open up with one another, said Yuli, echoing what several others said about the experience.

“You see people every week and at events, but I felt we really got to know a bit more about each other and had a chance to really connect,” said Millie. The mix of interactions – group discussions, small groups and alone time – helped everyone feel more comfortable, she added.

For Rebekah, the experience was well worth it. The retreat, she says, opened up her heart so she could hear what God was speaking into her life.

It brought about a certain rest in her soul, she says – one that inspired her to write a poem during her alone time. While the entire piece is about what happens when we draw closer to Him, the closing lines are a small glimpse of not only His reaction, but also a feeling that Axiom’s founders hope all attendees will experience during the [retreat](https://hobokengrace.churchcenter.com/registrations/events/147651):

_For I am still here._

_I have not gone away._

_And I will not go away._

_Not without you._

_Let me take your hand now_

_And show you all I have said._

_Listen._

_Come._

_Then see._


Finding Him in the Quiet

Just like that long-awaited sequel, Hoboken Grace is back at the movies this summer — Movies Under the Stars, that is.

A group will be handing out popcorn at the city’s free movie screening at Pier A each Wednesday night, starting June 20\. The series kicked off this week with a showing of _La La Land._ 

Hoboken Grace began serving popcorn at the event two years ago, handing out 250 to 500 bags each night.

Like [Simple Service](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/power-simple-service/), it’s an easy — not to mention fun — way to love and support our community.

“I love when people come up and ask, ‘How much?’ and we tell them ‘It’s free,’” [Anthony said previously](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/lights-camera-popcorn/). “They’re completely shocked. When they ask, ‘Why free?’ it’s a great opportunity to tell them about Hoboken Grace and how we strive to love our community any way we can.”

The group handing out popcorn might be an entire dinner group one week, or a contingent of individual volunteers available that night. If you’re interested in helping out, email James at [james@hobokengrace.com](mailto:james@hobokengrace.com) with the Wednesday night dates you’re available.

Movies start at 9 p.m. in June and July and 8 p.m. in August. You can find more information about the event and each film on the [city’s website](http://hobokennj.gov/departments/human-services/cultural-affairs/movies-under-the-stars/).

**Here’s the full schedule:**

June 20: Lady Bird

June 27: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

July 11: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

July 18: The Post

July 25: The Greatest Showman

Aug. 1: The Isle of Dogs

Aug. 8: Ferdinand

Aug. 15: Coco

[![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/07/popcorn.jpg)](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/07/popcorn.jpg)


Summer at the Movies

_From the Archives_

Before moving to Hoboken, Ben and Adrienne had spent much of the past few years overseas. Their careers had taken them to Afghanistan, where they’d often go weeks without being able to see each other.

When they moved to Hoboken, they were finally in the same place at the same time. They wanted to spend as much time together as possible and were ready to put down roots in their new city. They were also new to Hoboken Grace. They didn’t know anyone and were looking to get more involved. So, they decided to start serving together.

“Service, in general, is a foundational step,” said Ben. “And our hearts were kind of crying out for that as we came out of a period of spending quite a bit of time away from our church, away from our families and away from our country.”

They settled on serving in Grace Kids, hoping to get more exposure to children. They’d been married for six years and were thinking about starting a family of their own.

“We kind of had an idea that the next point in our lives would involve having kids,” said Adrienne. “But we’d just been career-focused and had no idea about kids, so we were like, let’s give it a try.”

But it turned out there was a greater need for Grace Kids teachers, so Ben and Adrienne started serving in Baby Steps instead. They had little experience caring for infants six weeks to 18 months old, but they gave it their best shot and tried to learn as much as possible.

“People are busy and all over the place, and it’s hard to break through,” said Ben. “For us, serving was the thing that broke through to the other side. Now we’re a part of this church. We’re a part of this community.”

[![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2017/06/IMG_0020.jpg)](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2017/06/IMG%5F0020.jpg)

As they continued to serve each Sunday, Hoboken Grace felt more and more like it was their church — a place where they could invite others. They also felt more connected to Christ’s church as a whole. Serving allowed them to take ownership, in their own small way, of what God was doing.

“It’s been such a gift to get to know all of the people, get involved, and do what the leadership has talked about in terms of serving,” said Ben. “God uses that in ways we’re not even aware of. He draws us toward himself and He makes us more like himself through that act.”

And while serving in Baby Steps wasn’t exactly what they pictured, Ben and Adrienne say having kids of their own now seems a lot less intimidating. The experience has been a crash course in parenting, and watching each other interact with kids and deal with sometimes stressful situations has taught them just as much about themselves and one another.

“You learn how to not freak out when a baby’s crying and he or she is screaming in your ear and nothing you do will make it stop,” said Ben. “That was always, to me, the scariest possible thing you could face with a baby, and now we do that basically every week.”

“It’s given me a comfort level,” said Adrienne. “It’s actually helped me think through what it would mean to be a mother.”

In just a few months, Ben and Adrienne will become parents themselves. Their first child is due this fall — exactly one year after they started serving in Grace Kids. And while parenthood will certainly be a huge change, they’ve already taken plenty of Baby Steps to get there.

_Interested in joining Grace Kids? Sign up [here](http://hobokengrace.com/kids/) to take a tour and learn more._


Taking Baby Steps

On Sunday, Anthony talked about what it means to care for others, and how we must all play our part in doing so. “One person can’t care for all of us, but ALL of us can care for someone,” he said.

And yet, caring for one another – in good times and bad — isn’t always our default setting. Serving each other in that way usually requires a sacrifice – of time, energy and what we’re comfortable with. It requires us to put someone else’s needs above our own.

But it also doesn’t need to feel sacrificial. Oftentimes, the first step is just being more intentional about serving the people around us. Here are a few simple ways to do just that.

**1). Random acts of kindness**

One of the most effective ways to care for someone is to do something they’re not expecting. Anthony has talked about this in [previous blog posts about random acts of kindness](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/yes-can-reach-people/). Doing something like handing someone a cold bottle of water of a hot day or leaving an above-average tip can make that person feel the same way God feels about them – that they are valued.

If you’re interested in trying it out, Hoboken Grace has a team dedicated to this very idea. The Simple Service Team hands out granola bars at the PATH, [serves free popcorn](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/lights-camera-popcorn/) doing Movies Under the Stars – anything to elicit a smile and show someone a glimpse of God’s love for them. Email [james@hobokengrace.com](mailto:james@hobokengrace.com) to get involved.

There are countless ways you can practice this on your own as well. Get to know your local barista and use their name when you see them. Offer to babysit for that busy mom you know. Pay for someone’s coffee or their meal. The possibilities are endless.

**2). Pray**

It’s easy to tell someone you’ll pray for them. But remembering to actually do it? That’s much harder. As Anthony said on Sunday, it helps to simply pray for that person on the spot.

Another way to remember to pray for someone is to have a set time each day when you’ll pray for different people in your life. Maybe you pray for your coworkers on Mondays, your dinner group on Tuesdays, your family on Wednesdays, your friends on Thursdays and anyone/anything else you’ve been thinking about on Fridays (or a similar variation, such as the one suggested as part of Hoboken Grace’s [Rhythms](http://hobokengrace.com/rhythms/)). In keeping a consistent schedule, those people you’ve said you’ll pray for will likely come to mind.

\[vc\_video link=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIdG1W71DSI”\]

**3). Act more like family**

Another simple way to care for someone is to help them feel less alone. You can do this by introducing yourself to someone at a connection event, sitting next to someone who’s sitting on their own at church, or just reaching out to someone who seems like they could use a friend.

You can also join the new care ministry Anthony mentioned on Sunday. The team he’s launching will serve members of our church family in times of need, which might mean visiting people in the hospital or helping those planning weddings and funerals.

“Care ministry is all about how do we love others well and take care of our family well, so they can, in turn, love others,” Anthony said in [a recent interview about the ministry](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/loving-others-well/).

**4). Listen well**

One of the most effective ways we can care for someone is by simply listening to them. Pastor Chris talked about this a few weeks ago during the [Love Project](http://hobokengrace.com/series/love-project/) series. People feel loved when you hear them out – about how they’re feeling, what they’re going through and where they’re coming from.

But listening well doesn’t always come naturally. Oftentimes, it’s something we must be intentional about. [Dinner groups](http://hobokengrace.com/dinnergroups/) and [connection events](https://www.facebook.com/pg/hobokengrace/events/?ref=page%5Finternal) are a great place to do that.

**5). Lend someone your strengths**

Caring for one another means lending someone your strengths. And if you know what comes easily to you, caring for others will likely feel more fulfilling than draining – especially if you’re an introvert.

Think about what comes naturally to you. Maybe you’re great at cooking, or babysitting, or planning events. A friend of mine is great at making cards. Another has a knack for checking up on people over text message. As for me, I love helping friends edit their résumé when they’re job hunting. While something that comes easily to you might not seem like a huge effort, it can make all the difference for someone else.

So how will you care for someone this week?

_Brittney leads the Writing Team at Hoboken Grace._


5 Simple Ways to Care for Others This Week


I am adopted. It’s no secret. My parents are Caucasian, and clearly, I am not. But it’s hilarious how people will tiptoe around the subject*.* There are usually some false starts and long pauses, and I like to give them that extra minute of awkwardness to watch them figure out how to phrase the question. It’s usually disguised in a vague inquiry, like, “How did you come to be where you are?” “Did your parents remarry?” “Where are you all from originally?” “Did you grow up here your entire life?” I’ll sometimes explain how I grew up in Philly just to throw them off balance.

This sort of conversation happens so often that I have begun to wonder what people are thinking as they freeze up and quickly change the subject. Is adoption a taboo topic? Are they uneasy about it because they think it’s politically incorrect to ask? Do they think I don’t want people to know? Even better, do they think I might not know?

Introducing my family to people wonderfully complicates things because I have two brothers, one white (Edwin) and the other Chinese (Owen), and none of us are biologically related*.* People will look at me, then over at them, and back to me, desperately trying to make a connection. While out for Dim Sum, the waiters often speak to me in Chinese, but it’s my dad who fluently replies as I stare at them blankly. One time we were even followed in Hong Kong by people discussing whether I was kidnapped.

It’s only at times like these that I’m reminded our family doesn’t look like we belong together. But the truth is, we wouldn’t be a family if God hadn’t found us broken and made us one. Our story is a beautiful picture of what God does for His people. It helps me understand what it’s like to be in God’s family, His power to save and the true meaning of adoption. Where some people might see rejection, abandonment and loneliness, I see God. Heartbreaking circumstances — transformed to be His lifeline of love.

When my parents wanted to start a family, they suffered through four miscarriages. My mom couldn’t understand why her body wasn’t doing what it was made for, why God wasn’t intervening or preventing it. She started doubting whether God was in control. Eventually the doctor suggested they consider adoption as an alternative. That Sunday at church, an adopted child happened to pray out loud that all the children without families would have one found for them. “It was like we prayed for guidance and it hit us right in the face,” says my mom. “I knew immediately it was God telling us what to do.” That week they went to register at the government adoption agency and were unexpectedly expedited through the process. In just five months, my parents brought home the world’s single most adorable baby — me!

![IMG_1044 (1)](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/05/IMG_1044-1.jpg)

Three years later my family adopted Owen, and less than a year after that God threw in a third when my mom gave birth to Edwin. “Looking back, the reason I didn’t understand why this was going on was that I was only looking at why this was happening to me,” says my mom. “I was only thinking about _me_ and not that there might be a broader picture. God was strengthening my faith, but He was also doing something profound for these children.” This story was never about me or my mom, it was about our family — God’s family.

I think sometimes the world conceives sons and daughters to be those born into the family; and perhaps this is how we tend to view God’s love — dependent on who we are or where we’re born. Oftentimes we believe that the people outside our doors and beyond the four corners of our own little worlds aren’t meant to be our brothers and sisters. Yet God is constantly inviting those who are separated to be connected, and His family includes generations of people from all walks of life, races, cultures and social classes — because of people who choose each other.

Once as kids when Edwin and I were arguing, he yelled: “They love me more because you were _adopted_!” My parents underwent a heart attack, but I didn’t skip a beat: “No! They love _me_ more because they CHOSE me, but got stuck with you!” (…Oh snap!) When we believe we’re really loved, we ought to have that same childlike confidence, satisfaction and joy in knowing we’ve been chosen. God didn’t end up stuck with any of us; just as I was adopted by people longing to create a family, God lovingly created and chose us to be a part of His family. Will you extend His invitation?

![8v9gCIws2aBQeZSTbfZm9t1wDf08-LkiB9QLAj8wtY0](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/05/8v9gCIws2aBQeZSTbfZm9t1wDf08-LkiB9QLAj8wtY0-e1462409719367.jpg)

> _“The echoes of Jesus’ new vision of family is scattered throughout the Scriptures…he’s redefining the boundaries of that love…the same desperate love that a mother has for her baby or that a child has for his or her daddy is extended to all our human family. Biological family is too small a vision…love does not stop at a border. We now have a family that includes but transcends biology and geology.” –Shane Claiborne, Becoming the Answer to Our Prayers_

My family is a small glimpse of God’s vision — to unconditionally expand our idea of family to the point where people wonder how we’re all related. Here you have two white parents with one white kid and two Asians who don’t resemble each other, and people trying to make the biological connection. That’s what love does. It fills in our gaps.

Love often finds the most room to grow in the voids — in the emptiness of loss, or when our own world is shattered. It seems the adoption process begins when our hearts are broken open; it’s in those helpless moments when we fall apart that we search for something new to adopt — a new vision, cause, meaning, relationship, a new life.

![fam](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/05/fam-300x300.jpg)

Through my adoption, I was given a new name, Anna, which in Hebrew means “grace”; and with grace I received a new inheritance, a new life, a new identity. Now I have a love that defines who I am today: the daughter who returns to her parents on holidays, drops her junk on the floor to quickly open the fridge and help herself to a little of everything, then stretches out on their couch for an extended time before heading back for seconds. But it’s acceptable because I am loved. I’m home. I belong. So when people ask about my “real parents,” it’s because they don’t understand who I really am: I am theirs and they are mine.

> _“See how very much our heavenly Father loves us, for he allows us to be called his children, and we really are!” –1 John 3:1 (NLT)_
>
> _“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love.”–John 15:9-10 (MSG)_


Chosen: God’s Lifeline of Love

“We should send Angie.”

I held my breath and looked around the room. Anthony just recommended I take his place as team leader on the spring mission trip to Guatemala since he couldn’t go. The thought had obviously occurred to me. I speak Spanish, I’ve been a dinner group leader for two years and I’ve led other teams. I’ve traveled and previously lived outside the U.S. But hearing someone make that suggestion left me with a knot in my stomach I couldn’t untie. I felt unqualified. I’d never been on a mission trip. It sounded weird in my head. I’m a pastor’s kid. A “PK”. I’ve been a Christian most of my life. I assumed that box should’ve been checked sometime during my teenage years. And I thought others assumed the same thing. I felt embarrassed. I’d never been on a mission trip and now I was supposed to lead one? Panic rose in my chest as my planner, calculating, perfectionist self grew anxious. I started thinking about all I would need to prepare for as a million and one questions grew in my mind.

I began fundraising, secretly hoping no one would ask about my experience with mission trips. I was excited about the trip but I was more anxious. I debated whether to just admit I’d never been in a mission trip before. A part of me felt that I should “come clean” about my inexperience. How big of a deal was it? My team of two suddenly grew to six. And I was responsible for all six of them coming back with all their limbs intact and all their wits about them.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/05/Guat-5-1024x768.jpg)

As we began planning meetings with the team at Potter’s House, I researched everything I could about Guatemala, leading a team, and mission trips in general. I called my dad who had been on many mission trips. His advice to me was to stop planning so much. Well, more so that planning would only help me so far when I got there. He said it was more important to be fluid. “You have to be like a river,” he encouraged me. “Plans will change and you need to be able to adapt and be flexible.” Adapt. Flexible. Change. None of my favorite words. But I knew he was right.

I was letting my anxiety about what others would think of me get it the way. I was letting my unrealistic and baseless expectations of what kind of Christian I should be or where in my Christian walk I should be get in the way of drawing closer to Him and others. I wasn’t growing close with the team. I wasn’t setting myself up to truly love the people of Potter’s House. Something needed to change.

I dedicated myself to being fluid. I decided to share my fears with the team and learned they weren’t expecting anything from me. Two of them had been to Guatemala on previous trips, and they weren’t worried I was “inexperienced”. For nearly everyone else, it turned out this was also their first mission trip. We decided to focus on our mission–LOVE–rather than on our expectations. I began to share with others this was my first mission trip and that I was nervous about it. I received incredible encouragement from so many people.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/05/Guat-3-1024x768.jpg)

We had an absolutely unforgettable week of serving the staff of Potter’s House. After first learning about the organization, those they impact and the various types of poverty they face, we traveled to a hotel for a staff retreat and prepared for everyone to arrive. In the lobby, we created a tunnel and cheered for each of the nearly 100 staff members as they came off the bus, kind of like you would see at a sports game. The next few days were filled with food, games and songs. Our team led worship twice a day. We played games involving marshmallows and toothpicks and trivia and shoes. At every meal and snack break, we got to know the staff and engaged in conversations that encouraged one another. We learned about telling God’s story, about our identity in Christ, about serving as singles in the Church. And we learned that the staff of Potter’s House felt immensely loved by our being there.

We dealt with some unexpected challenges. We had to move rooms four times because of a gas leak in the hotel. Propresenter, the program we used to show song lyrics in Spanish on a large screen, crashed a few times. I messed up the timing of one of the rap songs I sang. We didn’t end up playing all of the games we wanted to play. We didn’t do all of the activities we wanted to do. And we didn’t get to visit the volcanoes, as we’d hoped. But throughout the week, I started my day trusting God and remembering to be fluid. I decided it was okay to say “I don’t know” when I didn’t know. I decided to trust His hand in everything. I’m so grateful I was able to not only experience His love but to share it too. You never know what God will do with your willingness to serve Him.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/05/Guat-6-1024x756.jpg)

_Angie will be leading this year’s trip to Guatemala again. If you’re interested in going, email angelissa@hobokengrace.com and [submit your application](https://hobokengrace.managedmissions.com/OurTrips) for the trip. The deadline is March 31st._


Letting Go

Andrew started playing drums more than a decade ago, synchronizing the music he created with that of his favorite bands. More recently, he made his debut on drums alongside Hoboken Grace’s worship band, synchronizing his longtime hobby with an opportunity to serve. The Writing Team spoke with him this week about how he started serving on the team and what the experience has been like so far.

**How and when did you get started playing drums?**

I always loved music and was in the school band since I was in third grade, although I was playing the baritone horn at the time. I started playing drums (outside of the school band) around the time I was in middle school. I loved bands like Mutemath, who had rhythm-centric melodies. I would plug in my iPod and play alongside their songs for years.

It’s an honor to be able to use the skills God has given you to service the church. I love practicing drums after work and now I get to practice with a purpose.

**Had you been serving at Hoboken Grace before that?**

Initially, I came to Hoboken Grace for the [FPU program](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/fpu-lifetime-freedom-2/) and wasn’t even attending the services. Then midway through the program I sat in on a service and loved it so much that I started coming every week. Afterward, I started to assist with leading the FPU class and then joined the Web Team awhile after that. 

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/05/Sunday_5.6.18_19-1024x682.jpg)

**What has the experience playing with the band been like so far?**

Amazing. Everyone always seems to have a really positive attitude and I always learn something new from just being around great musicians.

**What advice would you give someone who is thinking of joining the Arts Team?** 

Join now. Every opportunity to serve can cause a huge impact. I was surprised at how many people I met in church, where I told them I was apart of the Web Team and they told me they found the church through a Google search, causing them to check out a service. You never know how much God uses your work until you start and have an opportunity to look back at the fruits of your labor. 

_The band is always looking to grow! Are you interested in joining?_ [_Apply here_](http://hobokengrace.com/music/)_, or email_ [_dana@hobokengrace.com_](mailto:dana@hobokengrace.com) _for more information._


Playing With Purpose

In celebration of Hoboken Grace’s 10-year anniversary, we recently featured the stories [of eight couples who met through the church](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/you-had-me-at-hoboken-grace/) and are now married. But for every beaming wedding photo and heartfelt “I do,” we realize there are undoubtedly dozens of deleted pictures and plenty of “I don’ts.” We thought we’d use [the Love Project series](http://hobokengrace.com/series/love-project/) as an opportunity to sit down with Pastor Chris to talk about the benefits of dating someone at church, the risks, and everything in between.

**Q. What are the potential benefits of dating someone at church?**

A. The advantages to dating within your local church are numerous, but here are what I would consider the top three.

You get to see someone’s character on display before you begin to date them. Character is the basis for trust. Character is a foundational pillar of your relationship. God calls us to tie intimacy to character. When you date without knowing character, you’re taking a huge risk. Being in a local church together gives you a chance to see who has demonstrated character and pursue them.

You can also identify spiritual chemistry. You aren’t just a physical and intellectual being. You are spiritual. God calls us to tie intimacy to spiritual chemistry. He calls us to pursue people who are pursuing Him like we are. It’s very difficult to see that outside of a local church context. Within the church you can see how they pursue God and how they value Him.

Finally, you can see who actually helps you accomplish the mission. This isn’t your life to do with what you please. You’ve been given a mission. The person you spend your life with should be the one who best helps you accomplish that mission. How can you see that outside of the local church and being on mission together?

**Q. What are the risks or dangers of trying to find love at your church?**

A. I don’t think dating at church is inherently risky. It only becomes risky if you choose not to follow God when you date within the church. Here are two of the concerns I hear from people considering dating and what I tell them:

If we break up we can’t attend the same church: I’ve only seen that happen when a couple doesn’t listen to God about tying their intimacy to a marriage commitment. If you sleep together and break up, that will be true. If you follow God’s instruction and you don’t, you’ll be fine. Every time I’ve experienced a breakup where the couple couldn’t attend the same church, it was because they stole something from one another that wasn’t rightfully theirs.

I don’t want people to know about my dating life: Secrets are almost never safe. Accountability is good for relationships, not harmful. You also don’t have to broadcast it on social media. I often know who is dating well before anyone else because they will secretly hold hands while sitting together on Sunday thinking I can’t see them. It happens more than you think. I’m always cautious of someone who wants to hide their dating life from their “friends.”

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/05/unspecified-2-1024x682.jpg)

**Q. What advice do you give to couples starting to date at church?**

A. Leave them better than you found them. That doesn’t mean that the breakup won’t hurt, but if you love them by helping them follow and pursue God, it won’t leave scars. Make every decision in your relationship based on making sure that they will be better off because of your influence in their life. Ultimately, that’s what love is. It’s serving the other person. Helping them find their way back to God. As long as you do that, you’ll be fine in the end.

**Q. When couples choose to date within a friend circle or within a workplace setting, if the relationship ends, there can often be permanent damage to that group. As a church, how can we do dating and breaking up better?**

A. Again, when things end badly it is usually because there was sexual intimacy outside of a marriage commitment, but there are other factors that can contribute as well.

Love is honest. We need to be honest with our friends about rejection. You don’t get to hate someone because they don’t want to spend the rest of their life with you. Rejection, while painful, does not impact our identity. Our identity is found in Christ and what He has done for us. When someone is finding their identity in a relationship, it usually ends really poorly. We need to be honest with them about that.

Break up faster. People get hurt when you drag it out. You’re not staying with them because you care about them. You’re staying with them because you’re comfortable, haven’t found anyone better and don’t want to do what needs to be done. We need to break up faster.

**Q. What else have you learned from watching couples do this well and less well over the years?** 

A. The people who date well follow a few simple steps:

— They pursue character, not charisma. There are fools within the local church. Don’t date them even if they’re rich and beautiful.

— They aren’t afraid of rejection.

— They pursue the mission together. They watch how the other serves and gauge whether they see the mission the same way.

— They pursue God together. They talk about applying God’s word together and watch one another take steps. They challenge one another.

— They have accountability sexually. They have people they are honest with, and they tell the truth about their physical intimacy. They don’t take what isn’t theirs.

— They ask for help. They ask couples they respect to speak into their lives. They seek guidance.

— They commit. They don’t wait five years to commit to one another, putting unhealthy pressures on the relationship. When they see that they can pursue God better together, they commit to one another.


The Secret to Dating at Church


Hoboken Grace’s Amplify conference is a full day dedicated to growing in your relationship with God. But if you’re a parent, we get that it can be a hassle to set up child care for an entire day. That’s why we’ve done the work for you – child care during Amplify will be provided at Step By Step Learning Center, located at 720 Monroe St., Suite C-107, in the Monroe Center.

The staff at Step By Step have a fun day in store, with lunch and other activities planned.

And perhaps the best part? It costs just $20 for Amplify participants.

“Where else can you get child care all day long for $20?” says Jean, whose 7-year-old daughter stays at Step By Step during each conference.

While Jean says her daughter can be shy at first, especially in unfamiliar settings, she always seems to have fun at Step By Step.

“It’s just a really warm, inviting environment for children,” says Jean, adding that the staff provides snacks, crafts and other activities.

Her daughter has gotten used to the experience so much that she now attends summer camp at Step By Step — and going there during Amplify was a great introduction to that, Jean says.

What’s more, it’s allowed Jean and her husband to attend Amplify classes such as Marriage and Parenting together.

Titi and her husband have had a similar experience with Step By Step. They’ve been attending Amplify for several years, and taking advantage of the child care option has enabled them to take classes at the same time. Before child care was available, they’d each go for a half day, taking turns so someone would be home with their son.

“Since the facility has been made available, we’ve both been able to go together,” she says. “So that’s been fantastic.”

In addition, Titi says she’s always impressed with how clean the space is, which helps put her mind at ease.

The experience has been so great that her son, now 2½, attends Step By Step a few days each week. And whether he’s attending on a weekday or during Amplify, he always seems to have fun.

It’s a great option for any parents attending Amplify, she says.

“It’s just a fantastic facility,” says Titi. “It doesn’t cost much, and it frees you up to enjoy the day, without being worried about how well your child is being looked after.”

_To sign up and for more info, visit [hobokengrace.com/amplify](http://hobokengrace.com/amplify/)._

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/05/PHOTO-431x1024.jpg)


Because Child Care Shouldn’t Be Stressful

“One of the worst things we believe about love is that it’s supposed to come naturally,” Pastor Chris said during Week 1 of “[The Love Project](http://hobokengrace.com/series/love-project/).”

We spend years training for careers … but marriage? When it comes to building a life with someone, we assume we’ll figure it out along the way. We rarely ask for help — and when we do, it’s often too late.

So if you’re looking to strengthen the relationships in your life — whether it’s with your spouse, the person you’re dating, or even a friend or neighbor — here are some books to help you do just that.

### **For improving your communication skills** 

[The 5 Love Languages](https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) Gary Chapman

You might have heard the phrase “love languages” on a recent Sunday morning or in dinner group. If you’re not already familiar with Gary Chapman’s book, the five “love languages” (words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts and quality time) are the various ways we can express and receive love. Determining which one each person in a relationship values and desires most can be a game-changer.

### For developing true intimacy

[Scary Close](https://www.amazon.com/Scary-Close-Dropping-Finding-Intimacy/dp/078521318X) Don Miller

As we’ve already established, relationships take work. But sometimes the hardest part is putting down the masks we’ve clung to for most of our lives. In “Scary Close,” Don Miller uses his own experiences to delve into why authenticity is one of the most important building blocks in any meaningful relationship.

### For improving the way you understand others

[The Road Back to You](https://www.amazon.com/Road-Back-You-Enneagram-Self-Discovery/dp/0830846190) Ian Morgan Cron, Suzanne Stabile

Like “love languages,” the Enneagram can be a useful tool when it comes to revealing how — and why — people are wired the way they are. “The Road Back to You” serves as an introduction to each of the nine Enneagram types, a system that encourages compassion and understanding for both yourself and those around you.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2016/05/unspecified-682x1024.jpg)

### For navigating 21st century dating

[The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating](https://www.amazon.com/New-Rules-Love-Sex-Dating-ebook/dp/B00JTYXSCU) Andy Stanley

So you’re looking for the “right person.” But what if you’re not who the person you’re looking for is looking for? That’s the question Andy Stanley poses in this sermon-turned-book (which is also available online in its [original format](http://northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating)). While exploring the many trials and tribulations of 21st century dating, the North Point pastor points to what God says makes for a successful partner and suggests that the person you should be looking at most closely might just be yourself.

[Single, Dating, Engaged, Married](https://www.amazon.com/Single-Dating-Engaged-Married-Navigating-ebook/dp/B01MYLUTFD/ref=pd%5Fsim%5F351%5F6?%5Fencoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=97W61VMDR1DNMAXTM502) Ben Stuart

They’re four crucial seasons of life, and yet, many of us walk through them feeling completely unprepared. So how do you thrive during each stage? If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re approaching relationships the right way, this book is for you.

### For putting God at the center of your marriage

[You and Me Forever](https://www.amazon.com/You-Me-Forever-Marriage-Eternity/dp/B00NAC2KOO/ref=pd%5Fcp%5F129%5F3?%5Fencoding=UTF8&pd%5Frd%5Fi=B00NAC2KOO&pd%5Frd%5Fr=SMJQ8QTFB8A62NG3FXTH&pd%5Frd%5Fw=wdO1a&pd%5Frd%5Fwg=OYhfl&psc=1&refRID=SMJQ8QTFB8A62NG3FXTH) Francis Chan, Lisa Chan

Instead of focusing on advice for a rich marriage, Francis and Lisa Chan do nearly the opposite — zeroing in on the life that God calls married couples to. It’s a book about seeking first the Kingdom of God, and what happens when you put your marriage second.

### For loving the people in your life who aren’t easy to love

[Everybody Always](https://www.amazon.com/Everybody-Always-Becoming-Setbacks-Difficult/dp/0718078136) Bob Goff

“I’ve spent my whole life avoiding the people Jesus spent His whole life engaging,” Bob Goff writes in his new book. “God’s idea isn’t that we would just give and receive love but that we could actually _become love._ … What Jesus told His friends can be summed up in this way: He wants us to love everybody, always — and start with the people who creep us out. The truth is, we probably creep them out as much as they do us.” Using the same brand of storytelling as his bestseller “Love Does,” Bob Goff demonstrates what it means to love without limits — and what happens when we do.


Your Love Project Reading List

If you’ve been thinking of joining us on one of our two Axiom retreats this spring and summer, I have two words for you: Do it!

Whether you’re considering the retreat in Morristown or Montana, here are three reasons why you should make attending a priority.

**1). Making Space**

 Did you know our Father desires alone time with us? He invites us to get to know Him more. A friend recently explained it to me this way – what do we do when we want to get to know someone? We make space to spend time with them. We get to know them. The same is true with the One who created us and loves us. 

Life wants more from us — to do it more efficiently, to do it a certain way. It flies around us at warped speed and demands all of our external attention. Axiom is all about the internal — to allow us to find out who we are and how God sees us. 

Axiom allows us to make space in our lives to fully focus our attention on Christ and develop a deeper intimacy with Him.

**2). Putting It Into Practice**

We don’t just struggle with making space for God. Oftentimes, we don’t know how to put that rhythm into practice in our daily lives. Axiom gives us space to learn how to receive God’s love in the quiet moments. In doing so, we are able to practice how to spend time with the God who loves us so. 

You will walk away with practical steps, resources and a plan to further develop rhythms in your life.

![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2018/05/IMG_69141-1024x768.jpg)

**3). Growth in Community**

You are not on this journey alone. That is the beauty of the body of Christ. As we grow deeper with Christ we can experience growth in community with one another. 

Axiom allows us to learn these rhythms together as a family. We seek to be people who walk with God, who know him well, and who live lives with rhythms that call us back frequently to the One we love most. 

I invite you to join us. Your Father longs to spend some quality time with you. 

[Axiom: Homecoming](https://hobokengrace.churchcenter.com/registrations/events/128214): June 1-3

With storytelling, movie illustrations, Biblical teaching and personal prayer time, this weekend at St. Mary’s Abbey in Morristown will further your understanding of His dreams and purposes for your life.

[Axiom: Pilgrimage:](https://hobokengrace.churchcenter.com/registrations/events/128598) August 6-11\. 

This wilderness retreat that will take you deep into the wilds of Montana, in a valley framed by the Bob Marshall Wilderness & Mission Mountain Wilderness.

_For more information, contact sarah@hobokengrace.com_


The Time and Space You Could Use

Nowadays there are so many ways to sharpen your skills. You can listen to podcasts, read a blog or two, YouTube it, or even attend a webinar. So, why bother with the time and expense of an in-person conference like Amplify?

As Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Now, I’m no hunter, but I do love to cook. One of the things I know you need to be a successful amateur chef is good knives. When you sharpen your knives, the edge becomes sharper and it makes your task of cutting and slicing more efficient. Furthermore, we’re told in Hebrews 4:12 that, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword…” And so it is safe to say that when we engage with one another while learning God’s Word, we’re being sharpened by the double-edge sword that God has given us.

One of my favorite movies is _Dead Poet’s Society_. Robin Williams plays John Keating, an English teacher who strives to teach his students more than literature. There’s a scene in which he gets up on his desk and says, “I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.” He then invites the students to stand on his desk with him. He says, “Just when you think you know something, you have to look at it in another way.”

It’s true. Have you ever listened to a favorite song in a different setting or read a treasured book in a change of scenery and noticed something new? That’s the power of learning in a different setting. What you hear on Sundays or in your quiet time is powerful, but what God can reveal to you through other people and in other settings is formidable.

Do you ever struggle to retain what you learned on a Sunday? Have you ever been so motivated by what you heard spoken from the stage that you can’t wait to put it into practice, and yet by the following week you’ve already forgotten it? A [study](https://www.cmaresources.org/article/why-are-we-so-ineffective-in-making-disciples%5Fkatie-driver) at the University of Minnesota recently found that adults retain 5 percent of what they learn from a lecture and 10 percent of what they learn through reading. Yet, they retain 50 percent of what they discuss in a group! That’s one of the main reasons Amplify exists! We want you to interact with one another, put it into practice and walk away grasping even more of what God is trying to do in your life.

“But, I’ve already taken every growth track,” you might say. Since launching Amplify in 2014, we’ve offered many of the same classes. Why? Because of the foundational truths found in each of them. Not sure which growth track is right for you? Here’s a helpful guide to answer some of the questions you might have:

_Q: I’ve never been to Amplify. Which track should I start with?_

_A:_ [Foundations](https://hobokengrace.churchcenter.com/registrations/events/125014) – the recommended class for all first-timers. This class focuses on the basic habits every Christ follower needs to develop in order to grow in spiritual maturity. Topics covered include getting a “grasp” on the Bible, prayer and how to maintain these habits.

_Q: I’ve taken Foundations. What’s next?_

_A:_ [Empower](http://hobokengrace.com/amplify/#first) – Do you ever wonder what gifts and talents God gave you? Did you know that God has given you these gifts to impact and serve one another? What God made you to be determines what He intends for you to do. Discover what your unique design is and learn how to develop it.

_Q: I’ve taken Foundations and Empower! What’s next?_

_A:_[ Story](http://hobokengrace.com/amplify/#first) – By engaging with Scripture, joining the conversations, and interacting with one another, you will discover how your story, the biblical story and God’s story all come together in one beautiful masterpiece. You’re going to be encouraged to ask questions, and learn from others as you listen to what God is doing in their lives. By hearing your story and by listening to others, we have the potential to change our lives, if you let it happen.

_Q: I’m on a role! I’ve taken Foundations, Empower and Story. Give me more!_

_A:_ Awesome. Dive into any one of our book studies. Why study the Bible? Studying it is a way to improve our knowledge of God. Through His words, we come to know not only His nature and attributes, but we also come to understand His plan for every one of us. In a greater sense, we also come to know God’s plan, His sovereignty, His love and more. There is only so much we can learn about God apart from the Bible. But with it, we can know Him better.

1 Samuel — The book of 1 Samuel is full of many intriguing and riveting individual stories. You will learn not only to read Samuel well, but you’ll begin to be aware of themes, characters and the history of God’s people. As you walk through the historical books of scripture, you see God reveal His sovereignty and his covenant with His people.

Ecclesiastes — The book of Ecclesiastes has fascinated, perplexed and inspired people for thousands of years. Using autobiographical narrative, proverbs, parables and allegories, the writer probes the deepest questions of life… What am I here for? Where can I find real satisfaction? What is the point of this whole thing? The words of Ecclesiastes have never been more relevant, as believers in the 21st century wrestle with what it means to live life to the fullest.

Paul’s Letters (2 Timothy)— **New for spring 2018** — Join us as we dive into Paul’s letters and focus specifically on the epistle of 2 Timothy. Learn about our responsibilities as Christ followers in today’s world and dig deeper into the saving work of Jesus.

_Q: I’m a parent or I’m going to be a parent!_ 

_A:_ We have a class for you, too, AND we have childcare! We’re excited to offer Parenting once again. The class focuses on the stages of parenting and how we can raise our children to know and understand who God is in their lives. It’s an Amplify favorite that will encourage you and challenge you in one of the most important roles you’ll ever play.

So don’t wait. Sign up today!

[![](https://res.cloudinary.com/dzs7qxusf/image/upload/v1/archive/2017/10/AMOJ-1024x379.png)](http://hobokengrace.com/amplify)


Why Attending Amplify Is Worth It

_This blog post originally ran in January 2016, but we’re pulling it out of the archive as we continue talking about relationships as part of our [Love Project](http://hobokengrace.com/podcast/) series._

One of the things this season of life is teaching me is how to better empathize with others.

I realized recently that many of my single friends are likely experiencing a version of what I am now – this [longing for a season of life](http://hobokengrace.com/blog/finding-gratitude-amid-grief/) that has not yet happened. Maybe, like me, you face daily reminders that you are not where you want to be – they show up multiple times a day, reminding you that you are behind. You feel like there are massive roadblocks keeping you from a role you were meant to play. You feel silly being reduced to tears over the desire to be somewhere different from where you are right now. It feels wrong to be devastated by your goal to be in a life-giving, loving relationship not coming true in your desired time, but you are devastated nonetheless.

Friend, you have every right to feel that way.

I have so many amazing, attractive, successful friends who are single. I see all their incredible qualities and it seems to me that it is given that one day they will meet their match. I want to believe they will be rewarded for their years of faithfully waiting for that person and pursuing the callings on their lives while being open to love if it crosses their paths. I believe this because they have so much to offer, and because they deserve it. They seem to be doing everything right. But me telling my single friends that I know marriage will happen for them is not helpful, because I do not actually know that. My words are hopeful, but devoid of meaning.

When our friends are going through tough times, especially when they are sharing something painful with us, we tend to try to soothe their pain and offer advice. We offer platitudes because suffering and unrealized dreams make us feel uncomfortable. We want to fix it, make it better. We try to offer hope, but it often feels empty and falls flat.

Telling each other success stories is how we aim to prove that things will get better, that there is hope. And sometimes, we do find hope in those stories. But we need to be careful not to take one person’s story and use it as a rule for all people’s stories. It is a beautiful thing to have hope, but it’s another to make blanket statements and say because something happened for one person, it will happen for all of us.

We need to give ourselves and others permission to grieve instead of downplaying the reality of the suffering. Pretending that our circumstances are trivial or comparing our pain in degree to others’ does not make it less painful. Instead, it metastasizes as we try to push it down and ignore it.

Can we not trivialize the pain and try to make it go away? Can we instead just sit and say that yes, it sucks? Yes, it is hard. Can we practice acknowledging that it exists and just be with one another?

God has promised me certain things in my conversations with Him – that I will be a mother, one way or another – but it is not as worthwhile to hang on to those promises as it is to hang on to the One who made the promises in the first place. I believe in a promise-keeping God, because I know that to be His character. He is good. He is love. And He is trustworthy despite my circumstances. He has shown up before, throughout the course of history, and fulfilled promises for His people. But answered prayers often look far different from our expectations. There are plenty of unrealized promises still lingering.

So how do we acknowledge suffering and longing, but not dwell in it, refusing to move? What does it look like for you to choose joy?

_Erika is a dinner group coach at Hoboken Grace. You can read more about faith, relationships, and life lessons on her blog, [Married in Mile Square City](http://marriedinmilesquarecity.com/)._


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